Dear Diary
by Tux mux
Summary: Seto Kaiba's deepest, darkest secrets revealed, in this quite OOC, slightly insane diary. All of Seto Kaiba's thoughts on hobos, drugs, money, boy scouts, and cheating. WARNING: Very... um... scary May disturb small children. Most of all if they look like
1. Chapter 1

**DEAR DIARY**

_The insane, crazy, and very OOC adventures of Seto Kaiba,as recorded by him in his very secret online diary._

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Disclaimers, Author's notes, and other things at the bottom. READ THEM. Especially if you're an admin, because they prove this fic does not break any rules. Thankyou. Now, on with the fic.

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Dear Diary, 

Pegasus molested Mokuba today. I kissed Yugi, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, he was too ugly to love.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I gave into Mokuba's puppy face again! He kept chuckling0.oU I forbid the use of chuckle in my household now… aren't I AWESOME!

-Sugar-high off of yogurt, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. Mokuba is failing, failing me. Failing the Kaiba name, and failing himself. He refuses to put out any effort what so ever. And so I have decided to send him to boarding school, forcefully if nessicary. I will not tolerate failure.

-Master of all I command, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Isono forcefully sent Mokuba to boarding school. I'm sure this will produce the nessicary results that I require. I suppose I feel bad… not really. He's a Kaiba, and he must learn that I will not tolerate anything less than perfection.

-Me… awesome.. Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I got mad at Mokuba today. He was all like "No" and I was all like "Yes." He thinks I should bring Noah back, and that's something that I will never do. He doesn't understand, no matter how much he wants it to be true, Noah will never be our brother. I know it's selfish, but I will never let ANYONE be closer to Mokuba as I am. He's all I have left, and I won't lose him to some tree hugger.

-Seto Kaiba, the not tree hugger

Dear Diary,

Anorexic being is hard, nark. I like drugs. They make me WHOOO. Bakura and his crystal meth. I like sandwiches between buns. Drugs are yummy like WOW. Mokuba saw me being HAPPY, not I worried though. He be Jesus. Like cheesus. Or Brendan. Why are children small anyway?

-Tristan, or very high off of drugs Kaiba.

Dear Diary,

My diary is getting very full. Maybe I should burn it(or at least the one about me on drugs0.oU) But it's on my computer… damnit. Mokuba ate all the food today, I was so angry at him that I threw an anchovy at him, then I realized it was the last food I had. Then he ate it-.-U I sent Isono out for some more food, but I think he's going to buy some more porn instead. Little bustard. Mokuba had some of magazines in his room. He's started to worry me. I think he might have one of those "girlfriend" things too, and he's not telling me about it. Oh shit0.o I hope he's not having sex already . Got to give him the talk I suppose… oh shit, I remember the last time I tried to tell him it, I ended up telling him Santa Claus gave babies to parents. Guess I should tell him about Santa too-.-

-Seto the hobo

Dear Diary,

I win.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wonder where the fucking boy scout is with my cocaine. There better not charge for delivery, little fuckers.

-Thee Seto Kaiba waiting for boy scouts.

Dear Diary,

I have more money than all my friends… wait, I don't have any friends. But if I did, I'd have more money than them. God, I love money. I have, like, 50 Mario DVDs with the "do the Mario" song on it… That's how much money I have. I even paid a guy to memorize the Alphebat for me. Aren't I SEXY? God, I wish someone was as beautiful as I am.

-The sexy Seto Kaiba(who has a lot of money)

Dear Diary,

I think Mokuba is going through one of those "puberty" things. I don't think I ever went through one of those. Or did I? I can't remember, I was too busy doing drugs-I mean-studying. He's starting to act weird. I have a cool watch. I don't think Mokuba has a cool watch. I'll have to get him one for no apparent reason. Or maybe it can be his puberty present. Maybe then he'll stop calling me a retard. But what he doesn't realize is that I can see my FOREHEAD, and he CAN'T. Man… I love drugs they make you write like this kjehrkfbwjerkbfjehwbfejbwfhgfvuhaew.

-Seto Kaiba the drug-loving hero of puberty.

Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. Why the hell did I have to be born anyway? You suck… why am I writing in a diary anyway? Guess I have nothing better to do. I think Mokuba told me a while ago that it would be "good" for me or something. Like I'm not already healthy enough by being "anorexic" as they call it in America. We don't really have anorexia in Japan, cause we're not fat asses. Mokuba says they don't have it in China ether, he's been reading some book on China and can never get through it cause I kept "interrupting" him or something. And he always saying I never spend time with him, HA!

-Seto Kaiba, straight from da hood

Dear Diary,

My therapist says I'm bi. He says I need a relationship with a male. I'm beginning to doubt letting Isono be my therapist is going to help me do anything. I get afraid sometimes ,when I'm alone in the dark. And when Isono drives Mokuba to school. And puts him to bed at night. He said that it would be good for Mokuba to have a male relationship too. Maybe that's why I hear Mokuba's bed shaking at night and muffled screams. And why I found hand cuffs in Isono's room. Hmmmm… I think I'm going to eat cheese now.

-Bi Seto Kaiba, but not really.

Dear Diary,

Mokuba made me promise not to follow him tonight, so of course I paid one of my men to do it. I am scarred just from the pictures he took. I haven't even watched the video yet. Isono is bigger than you'd ever believe.

-Seto Kaiba who is definitely not BI

Dear Diary,

Pegasus invited himself over to my house again like he always does for wine spritzers. He got way too comfy next to Mokuba. Pegasus was right about the nightmare thing with the wine. I had this one dream where me and Mokuba were together… in bed. It was definitely a nightmare, I think Isono joined in too. It was a magical night. Although, I do believe I shouldn't have told Mokuba about it though0.o. Oh well, it seems he had the exact same dream. Perhaps it wasn't a dream after all….. ;

-Kaiba who seems to be getting gayer by the day

Dear Diary,

I have decided to stop writing diary entries. Mokuba has been posting it on the internet. I'm beginning to feel attracted to men. Which is strange cause a doctor told me I had no sex drive. Well, I'm gonna go look at porn and waste some of my henchmen, I guess they are pretty useful.

-Seto Kaiba, who really must be gay.

_Daer Dyhar,_

_Cooooooooooool! I'm writing in Kaiba's diayra, and he was the one who always called me da 3rd rate duelist. Who lghuging now, huh? I thinked mny spellibsgfd is aweeeeeeeeeeeeesomejhhg. Kaiba is such a doo doo brain._

_-signed ka nuh-nuh, and not Jeoy_

Dear Dairy,

I want some more milk.

-Sick, sick, little moo cow, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I'm not dead like Noah is. Wow. Mokuba's alive too. Too bad he keeps playing in the street. I had to give Mokuba a shot yesterday. It was a tracking device, I had every right to give it to him. But of course, he had to be all dramatic about it. He had to be a drama queen. Maybe I should sign him up for acting classes. Maybe that will stop him from hanging out in the street with his hobo friends. One of them even has a violin. And he wears yellow. And he has pink hair. His name is Jix Junior. Fucker.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today is tuestay. Mokuba was walking in the street again, so I decided to beat him with a cane. He said "ow." Mabey I shouldn't be so hard on him… nah. Mabey tomorrow will be tuestay again, so I can beat him again. Dude, I think he stole my drugs. I mean, he's been walking around, saying bakura is his best friend, and having conversations with rocks and pencils. Mabey I should beat him again, Yeah, and I'll make him drink beer. Yeah. I rock,

-Seto fucking Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I've got my own website. It's setoondrugs. Aren't I special.

-Seto Kaiba

_Hello friend :)_

_Oh my goodness, Kaiba's diary. Now I can fill it with FRIENDSHIP! o Kaiba beats Mokuba0.oU I know what will help them, CUP CAKES OF HAPPINESS o Hugs, not drugs. You guys must be real jerks to actually be reading this stuff I can't believe you, drugs are BADDDD! With a capital Q. And we all know Kaiba loves his whittle brother _

_Jeoy: No he doesn't._

_Tea: Joey, WTF are you doing here? And you know you spelt your name wrong, right?_

_Jeoy: Tea, Tea, Tea, Tea… can't you realize that it is not me who has written wrong, it is you._

_Tea: WTF?_

_Jeoy: Well, my Dad was on drugs when I was…. Ok, he still is on drugs but anywayz, he spelt my name wrong on my birth certifict.,l;kq3oepfkpiu8jhhhjuju_

_-Friendship FOREVA!_

Dear Diary,

Drugs rock my socks :p and shoes. They make me think of purple. Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up. Am I just paranoid? A blah blah blah!

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I took 5 bucks today even though a quiz told me I wouldn't take it because I'm so rich. I actually stole it from a hobo, and made him pay for it to get it back. I played hobo games with him all day, it was amazing… maybe I should be a hobo. I wonder what would happen to Mokuba…. Hmm… but I don't care. More importantly what would happen to my money?

-Hobo lovin' Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

It's Christmas today. I opened up all my presents, and I didn't like anything. Every one sucked. Except Mokuba, he got me a blue-eyes t-shirt. It is awesome. I think I'll sell it to a hobo for 10 dollars, then I can make some money off this stupid deal. Why does everyone always give me fancy stuff for Christmas? I can't sell fancy stuff to hobos, they don't have enough money. Why are hobos so poor anywayz? I don't see why they don't just go back to their parents and get money from them. Ether that, or they can steal wine from grocery stores and sell it to their hobo friends.

-He be Jesus, Seto Kaiba

_What the fuck? This isn't the diary of Seto Kaiba, my brother doesn't beat me . Who the hell is writing this anywayz? And how come Joey can't spell his name right0l.o? And how did Tea get in here…. This is crazy, my brother doesn't beat me, he doesn't do drugs-no wait, nevermind… this is so weird, my brother cares about me._

_Seto: No I don't. I care about money. By the way, a hobo wants to buy you for 10 bucks._

_Mokuba: 0.0 Nii-sama, you know this crap isn't true. Are you trying to make a fake novel to get more money. This is NOT funny o _

_Seto: Ok, I just sold you off for 25 cents, he said he didn't have 10 bucks. Plus, you're a midget so your not worth that much._

_Mokuba: NII-SAMA! I'm a human being! I'm not worth, ANYTHING o _

_Seto: Yes your are, I went to and checked to make sure. I didn't want to get ripped off by my hobo friend Bob. _

_Mokuba: Oh… I get it, hahaha. You're joking…_

_Seto: Joke? What's this "joke" in which you speak of?_

_Mokuba: Your kidding me…0.0_

_Seto: I don't know what that is ether, please explain._

_Mokuba: No, for real, seriously…_

_Bob: Forizzle._

_Seto: Oh, there he is. Have fun Mokuba._

_Mokuba: SETO! WAIT! I'll give you 25 cents if you don't sell me._

_Seto: 50 cents._

_Mokuba: 35 cents._

_Seto: Deal. Back off hobo, he's MINE!_

_Bob: Aw damnit… leaves_

_Mokuba: Seto… you need to go to counseling-.-U_

_Seto: I tried that, but Isono just keeps telling me to rape you._

_Mokuba: You need PROFESSIONAL counseling._

_Seto: Isono IS a professional, he's bigger then you'd ever believe!_

_Mokuba: Didn't need to know that . _

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END OF CHAPTER ONE

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Disclamers, Author's notes, other: This fic is the contents of Seto Kaiba's diary. Any and all misspellings are put there because the author wanted to show something, wether it was the fact that Seto is on drugs at the time he's writing the entry, or even to show how stupid Joey can be. Also, all things written in screenplay format were meant to be written that way. That's how it was written in the diary. 

Anything written in italics is someone besides Seto writing in his diary, unless otherwise noted, or isolated in an entry. The author (s) do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, or any of the characters, or any other cobyrighted products that may have been used in the writing of this fic. Furthermore, we're not making any money off it. Also, the author (s) would like to encourage all of our readers to stay CLEAN AND SOBER this holiday season. ;) i know I will (for the most part, anyways :p)

Thanqz

-TuxMux


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Dear Diarrhea,

I ate pixy sticks today. Mokuba did too. It wasn't pleasant at all. It gave me constipation. I know it stinks, but I love to smell my own shit. But Mokuba's shit smells better. I don't think he understands why I ask him not to flush the toilet. Isono's smells kinda funky; you always see random stuff stuck in it. Ya know, like balloons, condoms, bras, money, and sometimes I'd find my reading glasses in there. One time I found Yugi's puzzle in there. I sometimes wonder where he goes when I give him money for lunch.

-Pooey doo doo Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I went and saw the movie "Fun with Dick and Jane" today. I wanna rob a bank or something now even though I have a shit load of money. Maybe I can rob my own bank so I won't get put in jail. Or maybe I can make Mokuba rob a bank for me, and make him into a little robot, and then he'll have to go to jail. No wait… then I can't sell him to a hobo. Darn.

-Robbing himself of his pride, Seto Kaiba.

Dear Diary,

The police came to my house today. Mokuba spilled the beans. No really, he spilled my beans that were my fucking lunch. Asshole, I'll have to beat him for that… anyway, Mokuba had told someone that I had been beating and letting Isono rape him. Which is totally, and utterly… true. But of course I couldn't tell the police that or else they would take him away and I couldn't make money off of him in prostitution. That why Isono gives me counseling for free. But the police didn't believe me when I told them I gave my brother my utter love and appreciation. Which I do… but in… other… ways. So of course I bribed them and told them they could get a free shot with Mokuba if they let me go. So they let me off the hook. I'm so proud of me for doing the right thing.

-The beautiful and innocent, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I go walking in the rain and I say "Emo, emo, emo."

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I saw Serenity. I just HAPPENED to be running with scissors, when I ACCIDENTLY _tripped _on an invisible rock, and stabbed Serenity, by ACCIDENT, in the eye. And then, they MAGICALLY, ended up stabbing, the OTHER eye. Joey was there too. He started talking ghetto to me, so I kick him in the balls and ran off screaming "ENGLAND!"

-The _accidental_ Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Clowns make me warm and fuzzy inside. Like Isono feels around men in bikinis. Tristan tried to prove his point today, when he didn't have a point at all! HAHAHA, aren't I funnie? LAUGH DAMN YOU!

Invisible audience: Ha ha.

Good. I have a lot of invisible friends. But they don't have any money. So I still have more money then them. They tell me to do strange things. Like eat goldfish. Or talk to dead people. Or steal a tree. Man, meth is awesome. I have friends when I take meth.

-Invisible friends united, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

You suck. I hate you. Why do I keep talking to you? Go away. You don't have any money. Everyone should give me money for free. Screw the poor and dying people, I want their money. Maybe they would want Mokuba for all the money they have, which is around 25 cents most of the time, so they'll be ok. Unless they don't have that, the lowest price I go is a penny. No more, and no less. Not 3 pennies, but on penny. Just one. 4 pennies is too many, and 5 pennies is right out.

-Penny person, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I went to Canada today. With drugs, you can go anywhere. You can even be a smurf and fly. Why won't Mokuba try my drugs, goddamn it. He tells me drug-free is the way to be. They give out little stickers of that. And he put one on my forehead while I was high. I didn't even know it was there until Isono told me while he was giving me counseling. Today he told me that when you go to heaven, all you have to do is give Jesus a shrubbery and find the Holy Grail and you'll be alive again. But drugs can do that all the same. Thank goodness I have such a great counselor.

-Isono is your mother, Seto Kaiba

Dear Doary,

Ever notice how… pee is yellow…. But mine is usually green. I dunno why. I wonder what Mokuba's pee looks like. I think he's starting to worry about me cause my pee is green. He's just JEALOUS, cause my pee is prettier than his. But then Mokuba just calls me crazy; He just doesn't see the beauty in people's urine. Maybe it's a gift only me, my talented, beautiful self has.

-Sexy Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

If you try and chew someone's arm off, they'll get mad at you. Mokuba's arm doesn't taste good anyway. Maybe it's because he's a midget.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Why do people watch football anyway? It's just a bunch of men in tight pants chasing after a ball. But Isono says it's a challenge in every man's life, even for men who don't play football. He also tried to explain to me how relationships are like a bag of condoms. Suddenly, all your condoms are used up, and you have no one left to have sex with. I have no idea how that is suppose to get me a make relationship at all, but he says it will whoo men into liking me. I tried it on Bakura, but he was too high on meth to understand.

-Bag of condoms, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

The boy scouts came back today. They said I can't have any more drugs, how can they do this to me? So Isono and me had our ways with them. Let's just say they'll never be the same again… those poor little boys. And then we stole their drugs.

-Little boys and pansys, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Joey says he's black on the inside. I don't believe him. I checked. Serenity also says she's black too, and that she wants to be called "Sha-nay-nay" from now on. And Tea wants to be called "Trachea" too. Joey has problems. Mommy says I'm special.

-Ghetto fabulous, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I decided to kill people today, so I took out one of Gozaburo's warplanes and bombed China. Then Mokuba got mad cause he was reading a book on China and the noise disturbed him. The noise isn't the only thing that disturbs him though. But you can blame that on Isono and his duct tape friend, Captain Howdy.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Just got a new card today. It's called Break the Rules card, and it lets me cheat whenever I want to. Although, I dun see why I got it in the first place. I'm already the best at cheating-I mean, dueling. Yeah, and now, I'm gonna be invincible. DiiiIiiiiEEEeeeee!

-Seto Kaiba.

Dear Diary,

I got a soda today. It had a marble in it. It said on the bottle to not attempt to get the marble. But it was so shiny. So I had to get it. I ended up breaking the soda glass in the middle of the street and leaving the rest in Mokuba's bed. I hope he won't mind. Then again, I think the only one that would really mind would be Isono.

-Will do anything for a marble, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Everyone thinks I'm a normal person… well, as normal as a president of a multi billionaire company gets, but they don't know my true identity. I am the whisper in your ear, I am the shadow that is a shadow, and I am the trash that is in your trashcan. I am… IDIOT FACE! Master of all that is cheap and plastic. I saved a cat today. It was stuck in pole of some sort. I think these mortals call it trees. I had to save the kitty. So I used my meat vision to turn the pole, or "tree", into a hot dog. But the hot dog was too big. So it fell on a person and eventually killed him after hours of screaming for help. But the cat was safe, and I could not leave a cat stuck in a pole.

-Seto Kaiba, a.k.a Idiot Face (do not reveal my secret identity)

Dear Diary,

I dueled someone today. It was Yugi. He didn't have any drugs. We had an epic battle. Much like our others, where he gave away his strategy, but I had to pretend like I didn't hear it. Of course, he said some of his stupid little lines about friendship and the heart of the cards, which the English version always gave him. I suck in the English version too. I have the voice of Brock, wow. People suck. Then Tristan confessed his love for bacon, and Mai admitted she was lesbian.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wish I was a pony. Then I could be one of Jix pretty ponies. Ponies are very pretty, like myself, and not the English version. They make me sound like I actually care about Mokuba. Jesus Christ, what are they thinking? They don't like talking about death in that version ether. They all just get "kidnapped" or "lost". Like when they lost the goodness of Yu-Gi-Oh! Which I do know is a TV show about me, but they make it seem like it's about Yugi and his fucking little puzzle. If I had a puzzle, I'd be special too. But NO, I have to be the side character that has Brock's voice, who's parents "disappeared". God, they make me look like a pussy. Although, Pegasus doesn't change much. And many evil characters still look gender confused.

-Seto Kaiba, who's parents "disappeared" or "runaway"

Dear Diary,

My Blue-Eyes flew away today. Mokuba said he "hid it" but I don't believe him. I saw it fly out the window last night, while I was at Bakura's place. He says he won't give it back till I stop doing drugs. Ch-yeah right. As if THAT'LL happen. And for all you people, who only watch the English version of Yu-Gi-Oh! I do DRUGS! Well, ok, not really… but I _secretly_ do drugs. You just don't see it.

-Doing drugs every day, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I watched my favorite episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! Today. Episode 199: where Bakura was on drugs, and was trying to run away from his addiction. People seem to always "run away" in the English version. Like in Duelist Kingdom, when I said I was going to "fly away" from the duel is Yugi didn't let me win. Goodness knows what would've happen if Yugi hadn't let me win. Maybe then my Brock self would've flown away over the rainbow and smoked some pot with hippies.

-Peace, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I shit myself at work. Many people seemed to take note, but I had to pay them not to notice because I was too lazy to change my pants. And when you're the president of a company, you can pay people to anything. Even smell your shit. God, I love my job. Amen, amen.

-Shits his pants, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Why do people have to be bad?

-Scary world at there, Seto Kaiba

-NOTE: WE DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH O ANY OF THE CHARACTERS THAT WE USE FOR OUR OWN SELF PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT. WE DO NOT OWN PIXIE STICKS, CHINA, BROCK, OR JESUS-

Thanks for reading and you better fucking review


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Disney Land. I also got arrested for attempting to molest Mickey Mouse. I swear, the guy was just begging me to when he asked if I wanted a hug! God, Disney Land sucks.

-Mickey Mouse in disguise, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I shot some kids today while I was bored. It was pretty fun, most of all when they were screaming in terror and I got to chase after them and make them cry for their Moms. God, I love kids. I'm so good with them. Just look at how I raised Mokuba. He's a great, functioning human being, and only gets arrested every 3 days. I'd have to say I'm proud of that kid. He definitely learned to steal from the best. Mokuba's so lucky he has me for a brother, I wish I had me for a brother sometimes too, so I'd have someone else to rape.

-Rippin' friends, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

My doctor says I need to get more exercise. I don't know how many times I have to tell him how much I spend on exercise itself. I mean, it's started to cost me 50$ just to get my employees to run around the block for my exercise. God, who does he think he is anyway? I'm the healthiest person I know. Who wouldn't call anorexia healthy? Probably an IDIUT! Which is NOT me, THEE Seto Kaiba, master of all I command and can pick his nose at the same time. Gosh, I'm so awesome.

-Seeto Kaiba, the not idiut.

Dear Diary,

Stealing money from old ladies is fun. People are missing out these days. It's funny when they try and defend themselves with their canes and then end up breaking and arm or something. But then one of the bitches somehow manages to get the phone and call the police even after I've dislocated their neck. Now a days I gotta kill 'em to make sure they stay down on the ground. Why are old people so old anyways? I wish I was an old person!

-An old person in his heart, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Isono keeps telling me about his new boyfriend and how he thinks he's the one. I have to sit through his whole entire speeches as he goes on and on about how great the sex is with his new boyfriend. Isono wants to marry him too. He told me that his boyfriend loves to be tied down to the bed by Isono when he tries to have sex with him. He also likes to scream. Isono also describes to me that his boyfriend is short, with long black hair, and wears Mokuba's necklace. Hmm… I wonder where I put that piece of gum I found on the ground.

-Boifriend Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I dressed gangsta and went on a walk, yo. But I walked into da wrong hood and got shot. Now my mofo arm is bleeding on all over da place. I mean, dat some reel shizzle there. Frill man. Then the cops came along and I got shot again. So did some of my othda homies. And Bob. He's da reel cracka. Frill right der. I'm da most pimpin' home skillet here.

Peace dawg.

-Boyz in da hood, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I got a new dog today. His name is Guy. I thought it would be fun to have another living thing to abuse. The hobo that I bought it from says he's the best. He even gave me this hand drawn certificate that says he's been trained by the top trainers in obedience. But when I yelled at the dog to go get me some food, it didn't do a single thing! It just sat there. I yelled at it again, and it still didn't do anything. I swear, I told him to sit, do the hokey pokey, stay, have sex, bark, get run over by a car, everything! Fucking dog. Takes a shit every 2 minutes. Hopefully Mokuba won't notice the piled of pooey doo doo. I put in his room.

-Must have Dogs, Seto Kaiba

Dear WhatsHisFace,

Wait… what?

-Scared and confused, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I went on a quest to find my runaway parents today. Although my journey turned out unsuccessful and annoying so I'll probably end up paying people to find my parents for me. But anyways, I searched everywhere for them! But I couldn't find them, sadly. I mean, if I haven't found them after that long, and exodus search, there's probably no hope in finding them. I looked in my backyard, and they weren't there. Where else would they be? I wish Mommy wasn't a prostitute and hadn't run off with a hobo.

-Seto Kibai

Dear Diary,

I love the fat people. I think they are the sexiest things to walk the earth. If I wasn't anorexic, I'd be a fat person.

-Fat with a "PH", Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I want to be a woman. It's not fair that I can't be able to have babies. If I were a woman, life would be so much better. I'd get to have boobies. Lots and lots of boobies. Oh, and then once a month, I'd pee blood. It'd be even cooler than my green pea because red is prettier than green my name would probably be Setorita. And Mokuba could be my husband. Although I wouldn't have any children of his cause I'd probably die giving birth to one of them like –cough-Mokuba-cough- But OF COURSE it wasn't little Mokuba's fault… he was just the one that ended up killing her!

-Setorita Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Hooters. Someone told me to dance on one of the bars tables in this tiny swimsuit, and I did. And guess what, I GOT MONEY FOR IT. I mean, what could be more fun then to dance around on a bar table practically naked? It was funnn… I wanna go tomorrow!

-Stripper perfect Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I sometimes wonder what religion I am. I never had a religion before. I wish there was a religion that believed in raping children. No wait, that's Christianity, right? I dunno, maybe I can be Quaker and hug trees. No wait, then I can't kill kids in my spare time. Damnit… isn't there some religion that believes that all the bad things are good? Oh, Satanism

-N00B Satanist, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking of changing my name. I mean, Seto Kaiba? What kind of name is that? 'Kaiba' sounds like something you'd name some weird gaming company or something. And 'Seto' sounds like something you'd call an orphan who works all night. I hate trees. They're green. I hate green. It reminds me of pee. I wish I had a period so I'd have an excuse to get out of P.E. once every month.

-Seto P. Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I got rid of my dog Guy and got a pet rock instead. My pet rock's name is Gunther. Now THIS pet is obedient. He knows how to sit, stay, and shut up. Although I'm still trying to teach it how to have sex, but otherwise, he's a good rock. With a Pedigree. I love you, Gunther.

-Pet rock lovers united, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I have a strange fashion for smelling people's armpits. I don't know weather it's the smell or the man itself, but I just can't keep my hands off of men's' armpits. Some people find it a bit strange that I stop them on the street to smell their armpits, but you just slip them 100 dollars or 2, and suddenly they won't mind at all. I know Mokuba doesn't mind, he gets beaten if he does. God, I love that kid's armpits.

-Armpit to the extreme, Seto Kaiba

Note: We do not own half the shit that we mention that all of you guys know a couple of weirdos don't own. Actually, we don't own any of it. Except for our creative genius mind. Oh, and please people, send us your opinions and ideas. None of your ideas will be accepted, but we'll get a good laugh out of it. Hey, that's why we're writing this. For you guys to get a good laugh. Or be disturbed for the rest for your lives. Ether way, this fic was created for your entertainment… but not really. It's for ours. And we kinda just post it up so that some of you people with no lives can read it.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this drug-filled, violent, shooting people, stealing money, sexy diary entry. NOW FUCKING REVIEW

NOTE: We do not own Mickey Mouse, Disney Land, Michael Jackson, Hooters, Rippin' friends, Whores, Pet rocks, Yu-Gi-Oh, Christianity, Satanism, Quaker-ism, Anorexia, or Igor.

But we do own Setorita


	4. Chapter Forizzle

Chapter Forizzle

Dear Diary,

Mokuba likes to lick his friends. That makes me jealous. He's beginning to have friends. Pissed off me am. I shot some of his friends today. If I can't have friends, he can't ether. Plus, I couldn't risk his friends having more money than me. And dat would be a big N O NO. Like ISONO. Dawg. Rapping makes me feel like a pimp. Like doggie dog, pimp. YO MOFO!

-Never ever land, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I think my diary is invisible. That's why I can see it. And my invisible friends can too. They like to attack people on the street, especially hobos on the street with violins. But no one EVER notices them. That's why they're SECRET. They are my SECRET friends. I told Mokuba about my SECRET friends, and he told me to get a higher dosage. Then I told him I fed my pills to my dog, Guy. And lately, Guy hasn't been pooing as much as he has lately. He actually doesn't do much else. He kinda just lies there. Motionless. I yelled at him to shit, but he didn't hear. Then I yelled at him to go get hit by a car, and he still didn't hear me. I then decided that, he was PMSing, and it was just one of those times in a man's life when he couldn't speak his emotions. I guess that could explain why his brains are all over Mokuba's face. I guess it is just part of the process of PMSing. God, I wish I could have a period. Damnit. Fuck. Period. Hi.

-The invisible, period man, Seto Kaiba

Dear FAGGOT, I mean, Diary,

Isono had his baby today. He said I could be the godfather. And I asked him why I couldn't be the godmother. He said it was because my PMSing wasn't good enough. DAMNIT. It makes me mad like woah. Anyways, Isono doesn't exactly know whom the father, or mother; he doesn't even know what the parent was. The doctors don't even know how he had a child. Isono says he just pooped it out one day. That EXCITES me. I wanna poo a baby out. I think that's how Mokuba came to be. And I've been taking multiple birth control pills, to make sure I have a nice big baby. Like Isono's asshole.

-Living in a toilet world, Seeto Kaiba

Dear THIS-THING-THAT-I-TALK-TO-A LOT-BECAUSE-I-HAVE-NO-LIFE,

Yesterday was the best day EVER. Not only was it a Tuestday, but also Mokuba agreed to play with me. Little did he know that I was going to play with his head with a chainsaw. It was EXCITING. I liked the part where he screamed in pain, and he had his period like Guy. I love those kinds of guy periods. They're pretty sexy. Which is why I raped him afterwards. What's a homo?

-Brain stew, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Wow.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was attacked. By a gorilla. I don't know how a gorilla got in my car, but it found Mokuba's bedroom. That's what I like about the creature. I invited it to my room, but it refused. That's when I had to shoot it. It was a sad time for me. Not for Mokuba. Mokuba was happy about it. And jumped out a window. He kept saying that he was finally going to just kill himself and get it the fuck over with, and that he was sick of me, Isono, my invisible friends, Guy's poo, Guy's guts on his face, man periods, drugs, cheating, hobos, boy scouts, old people, fat people, Satanists, Jeoy, Tuestday, Disney Land, shooting people, GANG BANGAS, runaway parents, anorexia, cocaine, money, trees, pet rock, Idiot Face, strip clubs, rain, womanhood, green pea and condoms, armpits, and just plain sick of being a KAIBA. So he jumped out of the window, but because of plot terms, he couldn't die. He hates the authors now. He just took my gun and told me he was going hunting. And then someone came into my house, OMG kjheighaiufjbsjfbuawkfhgjyg

-The-authors-have-just-been-killed-by-Mokuba-and-his-middle-finger-swords-…rainbows, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I had the best pee ever. It was just the right shade of yellow. I even took a picture of it I guess the other guys thought it was kinda weird I was taking pictures of my piss, but, ya know, a guy's gotta do, what a guy's gotta do. And that's taking pictures of my piss. I mean, come on, how can you not take a picture when it's that color and texture. It felt great too when I was relieving myself. Most of the time, it kinda hurts. I guess it's from all of the butt raping I have been doing. They say that happens when you have sex, but butt raping hurts more.

-I C U P, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary

Remember when Isono called me a homo? Well, I really showed him! I threw a baseball in his toilet, so that when he poops, the toilet will explode! It's gonna be amazing… I just wish I could be there to see it. Maybe I'll put a camera in Isono's bathroom. Yes! But wait, what if Mokuba poops in it first… Oh, well, brothers are replaceable. If Mokuba gets injured, then I can just hire a hobo off the streets to pretend to be my brother. Awesome.

-The Prankster, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I saw a squirrel. I named him Igor. After my best friend, Igor. Igor is so awesome. I love that hunk of sexiness. I wouldn't mind that guy arresting ME for stealing something (drool). God, he's so gangster. I wish I could be gangster like that sexy beast. Anyways, I'm gonna go drive under the influence now. I wonder how many cops will pull me over… or at least try to, before I bribe them and seduce them. It's the only way to go.

-My best friend, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

When I started typing today, a paperclip appeared on my screen. It asked me if I was writing a letter. I typed in "Yo, yo, wazzup?" and then it ran away from my ghetto-ness. I love being… gangster. I wear my hat to the side, it makes me look like a cool pimp. Down in the hizzle.

-Paperclip friendly, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I'm on a mission. After watching "Ice Age 2." I discovered that it was up to me to repopulate the earth with more Kaibas. I mean, come on, there's me… and midget, I mean, Mokuba. And then there's Isono, but he's only an honorary member of the Kaiba Klan. So, who's good enough to help me repopulate the Kaibas? I know that Isono pooped a kid out once, but I don't think it'll do the trick. Plus, the doctor said it was a once in a lifetime thing, and that the chances of it actually happening were 1 to a bajillion. And I don't have a lifetime. I'm the last of my kind. Better find a couple new whores. And they can't be guys

-Seto Kaiba, the last of his kind

Can Seto repopulate the earth? Will Seto ever see his best friend Igor, the squirrel ever again? Can Mokuba find some way to kill himself? How much more sex and drugs can we put into this fic?

Find out in the next chapter, bitch!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

Today I watched Yu-Gi-Oh GX. Which is a poorly made show about a bunch of little assholes going to some dueling school that apparently, I made. Ok, who the fuck is making this shit? For one thing, I would never waste my fucking money on making some fucking school for a bunch of fuckers. They didn't even consult me on using my name in the show. I'll have to sue those little bastards. And what the fuck is up with me having a Yugi shrine. Don't people know that it would NEVER happen. Plus, Yugi wouldn't give his deck up just so a bunch of little fuckers could look at it. No, wait, he would. Goddamn this American series, first my parents runaway, and now this? But at least I look good with boobies.

-Sex and GX, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I just came back from seeing, "Happy Days☺" Which I wrote, directed, and acted in. It was basically about myself… ok, well, I come in later. But it was BASICALLY about Mokuba learning the valuable lesson of sex, and how it is done. It has all the hit actors in it. Isono, Niomi, Pansy… and, of course, the Japanese Tom Cruise, except gayer, Seto Kaiba. I'm very happy with this production. I bet it'll be a smash hit in no time. I mean, just think of how much Japan's population is made up of sex-obsessed teenagers.

-Having a happy day, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I've started to collect chainsaws. OMFG! They are SOOO shiny! I polish them, and practice juggling them every day. Someday, Mokuba will call me his hero, when I can juggle 4 chainsaws without chopping my arms off. I've got it all figured out, though. Isono will do the practicing for me, and if he cuts HIS arms off, I'll pay so that we can make a clone of Isono, and then the clone of Isono will learn to juggle chainsaws. Then we can take the real Isono's blood, and wash his child's face with it. Then his child will become a man.

-Manhood rituals, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was dueling Yuuugi. Of course he got his God cards onto the field in no time and I was left with shit. Mokuba was also dueling, so I pretty much would sacrafice his monsters and inflict life point damage to him whenever one of my cards needed life points. Then Yuuugi started winning, so I did what I was born to do; cheat. But even my cheating, and using my brother for my own well-being wasn't enough. So I had to thrown down my "Break the Rules" card(which I cheated to get by the way). And soon enough, Obelisk died from a heart attack, and all in the valley was happy.

-Breaking the rules as I may, Seto Kaiba

DeaЯ DiAry,

Mood: Apathetic

I listened to the emo song today. I could really relate to it. So I have declared myself emo. My life is a black abyss. Suffocating me. Throwing me into a hole of darkness. It's grip around my neck growing tighter and tighter, tighter than my little brother's pants(which look great on me, by the way). I couldn't exactly get my hair to do that flippy thingy. So I hired someone to do it for me. Sometimes, my brother just doesn't get me. He saw me kissing a guy, so now he thinks I'm a homo. Don't know why he's so surprised. But really, can't a guy kiss another guy? Or 4 guys kiss each other without being gay? Plus, chicks dig that stuff.

Diary, sometimes you're the only one who gets me… You're my best friend.

I like tacos.

-The little emo kidd, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Ok, gotten over being emo. Being emo is too hard. I have to hire people to get my hair to do that flippy thingy, I have to hire people to write depressing poetry and write my suicide notes, and I really don't feel like going out to the music store to buy some Fall-Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights. I feel best the way I am. A power-hungry, money addicted, brother-beating cheater. That's just who I am. And there's really no reason to be emo about it. Plus, emo people probably aren't as rich as me.

I need some emo friends.

-Proud to be an asshole, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

There's a tree outside. It scares me in the night. Just like when Isono puts Mokuba to bed. Or when that old lady walks her dog by my mansion. Her dog always takes a shit in front of my house, and that stupid old lady never picks it up! Sometimes I feel like that poop is watching me. But here's the plan; I'll hire some lumberjacks to cut down the tree when she's walking in front of my house, and then when she walks by, the lumberjacks will cut down the tree, and the tree will land on the dog, the dog will die, then the lady will die too because she never cleaned up the poo. Then I will call the police to have her arrested for not cleaning up- wait. Never mind.

-Man with the plan, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today this guy called me and told me to go and stalk someone. He said he would pay me MONEY. And we ALL know I'd do ANYTHING for money. The guy said I had to stalk this other guy, right? He said this other guy is about my height, owns a company, and only cares about money(he sounds like my kinda guy). But anyways, so this guy that is paying me to stalk this other guy is actually Isono, but since the English version made me stupid, I have to pretend like I don't know it's him, and that's it's just some stranger who's calling me from Isono's cell phone. Well, I better start stalking that guy. I mean, dude, it's money on the line here. I'd give Mokuba's life for money.

-Stalking for money, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I was doing my math homework when all of the suddenly I realized I own a company. Why do I have to do homework anyways? It's not like I don't have a job or anything, I have one, so why the fuck am I sitting here trying to figure out what 2+2 is? Plus, we ALL know that you never use math in real life. I mean, I PAY people to count my money, I don't ACTUALLY need to know how to count(in reality, I really don't know how to count.) But you have to look at it from my point of view. I can pay people to learn this stuff for me, plus, it's not like some hobo is gonna come up to me and ask weather y is greater than 5, right? Bob is always asking me that anyway, I wonder why hobos do homework. I sleep in money.

-A B C equals 1 2 tree, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I wrote a story. No, not the incredibly gay story, A story. It was about man, whom created the earth. And decided, "Hey, I've got money, I'm gonna make people so they can repopulate. And hey, how bout I add some animals, maybe they can kill off the humans. That'll be great entertainment." So, this asshole Butch, creates the earth, and people, and humans, and money, and trees, and drugs, and all was happy. But THEN, a terrible storm arose, and for some odd reason, they needed to make a boat. On this boat, they need 2 of each kind of drug. If they saved every kind of drug, then the world would survive. The leader of this elaborate plan, was none other than Evil Man, who had gotten this terrible news from a talking rock. Of course, being on so many drugs, he thought a rock was talking to him, so he ran away onto the boat with his drugs, and stayed there for many, many days.

-Al'Seto Kaiba

On the next episode of, 'Why the fuck am I reading this?' Find out if the legend of Evil Man is real. Find out what different kinds of drugs Seto is doing. Find out what in the hell does Isono's baby look like.

Stay tuned for 'Why the fuck am I reading this?' Otherwise known as "Daer Diary."

_Disclaimer: We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh GX, we do not own the emo song, we actually don't own the "Break the Rules" card ether, and we do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or any of it's characters, we only use them as our toys of harmless, sexual fun. We DO own Evil Man, Happy Days☺, the inbcrediabely gay story, Yuuugi, and all the other sick and disgusting jokes we put in here._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6   
_Continuing from the last episode of 'Why the fuck am I reading this?' Seto was telling his story about Evil Man and repopulation._

Dear Diary (Part 2),

No one really felt like telling him there was no storm, so they kinda just left him there to talk to himself with his drugs. He eventually died, and then Noah's Arc came along and NO ONE SAW HIM AND HIS BOAT OF DRUGS AGAIN. Some say, that the drugs are hidden on the bottom of the Lake Evil Guy Who Did Lots Of Drugs, in his boat where his body lays. No one has ever gone down there and came back up with DRUGS. We don't know if the legend is true or not, because when the guys come back up, they are too high off of drugs to remember. Of course the lake only really exist to the people who are high and make up the lake and go and try to find it. But I know it exists. I most of all know when I, myself, am high. One time I saw it, but I was too high to remember afterwards. Don't really know how I know that I saw it, cause I can't even remember it looked like, but someone told me I did. Maybe I shouldn't always listen to Isono. I mean, the last time he told me that I was actually part possum, and that I was taken at birth by a bunch of hawks, and was raised by whales, and I actually have secret gills, even though when I tried to swim when I was drunk, I nearly died.

-NEARLY DEAD, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

OMG, Mokuba was all "You aren't smart, you're stupid!" and I was all "Hell yes I am smart! That's why I pay people to learn the alphabet for me. And I can even count all the way to 10 by my self!" then he was all like "Yeah, well, I can count over 10!" and so then he started counting and he was doing fine, until he got to the number past ten. You know what he said? He said eelevin. (A/N: eelevin 11) Well, if there's one thing I hate, it's a BS-er. So I call him out, I say, "eelevin isn't a real number! I know my numbers, and the number that comes after ten is… tenanone."

He starts laughing (I wonder why?) and says, 'Okay, Seto, I knew you were stupid, but I never knew you were that stupid."

I never understood that kid. So I shot him. Good thing Isono knows first aid. He did CPR on Mokuba… although it looked suspiciously like kissing to me. Anyways, after that didn't seem to be helping, we took Mokie to the hospital, and paid the nurse who saved him to keep things quiet. God, I love money.

-Money is my hero, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I saw some stupid, son of a bitch, who was a poser ADD. OMG, I know, it's crazy. I had to kick that little bastard's ass. I know ADD when I see it, and that kid was NOT ADD. He was just pretending he couldn't pay attention just so he could get Ritalin and get high. God, I hate those people. They are such fucking posers. They need to DIE. Not that drugs are bad

-Pozers should die, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was listening to "Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie Soundtrack" Oh my gawd, I was listening to my little theme song and I realized I wasn't really a poser emo after all. They make me sound like such a pussy. They suck. Although, I really love "For The People" by the Black Eyed Peas. They are pretty ghetto, just like ME. God, I would be such an awesome rapper if I didn't already waste my life on drugs. But rapers can do drugs, so I'll just be one of those.

-Looking for Mokuba, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.

-Fucker, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Dude, I discovered something today. I have an alter-ego type thing (a conscience as he calls it), and he's actually GOOD O.o Every time I tried to hit Mokuba, he put me into a coma. Little Fucker. He likes to color with crayons. He even drew a picture of me in a coma. So I paid some people to get rid of him, though. I mean, where would I be in a world where I couldn't beat, torture, and rape Mokuba? Nowhere, that's where. Well, actually, Isono's bed, but that doesn't matter right now. Anyways, He said he'd come back to haunt me. He didn't even have any money. Who did he think he was? A hobo? Ha, I don't think so.

-the only one now, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

There are people in my head who talk to me. They tell me about rainbows and ice cream. Only when I'm on drugs though, so it's ok. Remember that old lady I squished with a tree? Well, she came back this time and said she was gonna sue me for 10 dollars. But I wasn't down wit that shit, yo. So I bashed her over the head. Hopefully she's still dead. For real this time.

-Rainbows and ice cream, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Goddamnit, I can never find the right stereotype for myself. I'm not an emo anymore cause Mokuba made me see a therapiss. The therapisses name was Isono. Well, no more cutting for me I guess. Then he said that gangbangers were for squares, so I can't be ghetto ether. But then I found my true calling. Preps. So I, like, totally went and, like, dyed my hair blonde, right? So, like, I could be totally, like, prep! I, like, am totally pissed right now, cause my buddy Maria, totally went and cheated with my boyfriend, and, like, she's a total bitch. Like, oh my gawd, how could my sexy bf, Isono do this to me? Gawd, Maria is creating all these, like, rumors, and shit like that cause she's, like, a total bitch and creating, like, so much drama. Dude, she's out of the herd. I'm dead serious. I'm sick of her shit. I'm too, like, beautiful to deal with this shit. Plus, we all know it takes a real man to wear pink. Oh yeah, and today, like, me and my girlfriends played the penis game, and I won.

-Penis champion, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

We had a water balloon fight today. Mokuba called me a whore cause I was maturbating through-out the whole game. What can I say? I'm a man with needs. Plus, Isono was doing the exact same thing anyway. I think the only one actually throwing the balloons was Mokuba. He spilled the beans again too. This time I dressed up like an old lady and said I was his godmother. The one with MONEY. And boobies. Lots and LOTS of BOOBIES. Damnit, I miss my beans. Isono is too lazy to go out and buy me some more. **Bitch**.

-Boobie man, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was listening to "My Humps". Wow, it really inspired me. That's my new theme song. Screw the fucking pussy theme song they made from the movie, "My Humps" is way better. Goddamnit, I wish I had humps that I could write a song about. Maybe I will.

I'm a gonna get 'chu high, get 'chu high off all my bumps 

_My bumps, my bumps, my bumps, my bumps, my bumps, my bumps_

_My lovely stinky dumps_

_Check it out_

Man, I am so awesome. Once they see this, they're gonna beg me to be in the band.

Damn straight.

-My lovely stinky dumps, Seto Kaiba

Well, that's the chapter. We'd like to dedicate this chapter to "Ripper-Roo" the only man brave enough to review to our story. Thank you Ripper-Roo, when the shit hits the fan, well… then you got a whole lot of shit on the floor. We'd also like to thank our bestest buddy ever, Josh, whom helped create some of this chapter.

Now for the disclaimers… because we have a hell of a lot of them:

_We do not own ADD (although we have a horrible case of it), Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie Soundtrack, the Black Eyed Peas, or their songs "For the People" and "My Humps", or the characters in which we torture and corrupt, and make very, very OOC._

_What we do own is our Evil Man story, eelevin, therapiss, and our own little version of "My Humps." _

_I hope you enjoyed the fucking story Now review. _


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

I farted. It was a wet one. It was one of those farts that you can feel slip out of your butt and leave a Hershey mark in your underwear, most of all when you wear whitey tidies. I wear whitey tidies, because only real men wear whitey tidies. Dude, whitey tidies are for the pimps. I made Mokuba smell my fart. He doesn't move anymore. Just like Guy. Goddamn it. Man periods seem to run in this family. He needs to start buying his own tampons.

-Whitey Tidies, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was trying to learn how to play geetar. I had just bought this brand new one. It even has naked men on the front of it. And it's really shiny. Like, super shiny. Like, ALLLTRA shiny. That's what I like about it. It's shiny. I like shiny things. Condoms aren't very shiny, unless you get the glitter kind. Or if you blow them up. I do that a lot with my condoms in my spare time. Anyways, so I was trying to learn geetar, and went straight to the part where you wear a lot of white and black make-up and smash your geetar on stage screaming a lot. My geetar isn't shiny anymore.

-Geetar gurl, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I saw a monkey. And he got his monkey friends and jumped me. They said that my hair smelled like bananas. And then I broke out into song:

THIS SHIT IS BANANAS "B-A-N-A-N-A-Q!"

I love to masturbate to that song. Anyways, so, I'm pretty much bald now. But you can be anything when you're high. Even Michael Jackson. He's my fucking hero. I masturbate to his songs too.

-B-A-N-A-N-A-S, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

People are actually reviewing to this story. That's pretty gangsta. I bet no one reviews to stories about 50¢, or M&Ms. I guess I owe this all to Ripper-Roo, for believing I could be a pony and save July 4th before Santa got drunk with the Easter Bunny and ran off with my Momma, and stole all the trash from the garbage cans. He knew I could do it from the very beginning, even when Hitler said I couldn't. But I did, and I owe it all to Ripper-Roo, the star kangeroo from Rippin' Friends. He's my hero, other than Michael Jackson. I'm gonna go stalk his ass right now.

-Rippin', Roo, Ripper, Friends, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Isono sung a song to me today. He wrote it all by himself. I was so proud of him, I let him fuck Mokuba twice as hard. It was such a moving song. It's beautiful. Like me. And my boobies. And the song goes:

Chinese Japanese Cut the cheese 

_Look at these(.)(.)_

I love the part where he said "cut the cheese." It reminds me of when Mokuba spilled the beans. I miss my lunch. I wish I didn't have to throw it up all the time.

-Look at these(.)(.), Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Funny words make me laugh. And masturbate. And poop. And man periods. OMG! I think I'm going through menopaws. I'm beginning to get very hot and have hot flashes. Although, I always seemed to be hot before menopaws. Oh well, it's just another one of those times in a man's life where he discovers he's a woman. But it's a good thing I paid people to make me a woman so I didn't have to discover anything. If you ate a book, you'd get a paper cut on your tongue.

-Masturbation station, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Mokuba says he needs pills to help him concentrate. He says it will help him improve his grades and learning abilities. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Mokuba, you can't always depend on drugs to fix yourself. Just look at me. It's takes a lot more than big words like "grades" or "abilities" or "it" to get me to do something for him. And come on, ME spend money on HIM. Ch-yeah right. I only spend money for MY drugs. Screw Mokuba if he has a stroke every other day, see if I care.

-No drugs for Mokuba, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was watching the news, and I found out that Bill Gates is the richest man in the world. That's SO not cool. I mean, dude, I'm more good looking than he is, I'm taller than he is, and I'm SO not a nerd. Dude, who in the hell would say he's richer than me? What did he make anyway that makes him so rich? I bet it was that kind of toilet paper that doesn't scratch your ass. Everybody uses it. Once I tried to wrap myself in that toilet paper. I was successful, but I couldn't get myself out afterwards. Damn you Bill Gates. You fucking suck.

I like writing my diary entries in Microsoft Word documents. Whoever created Microsoft is probably, like, the richest guy in the world! Besides Bill Gates.

-Screw you Bill, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I found a turtle in my toilet today. How come I always seem to find things in my toilet? I think my toilet is Isono's hiding place. Once I found a bag of condoms shoved down my toilet. I mean, who else uses condoms? Uh, not me. Condoms are fer pussys. I mean, what's the point of sex if your using a condom? It's fucking pointless, I'll tell ya that. That's probably why the doctors always tell me I have AIDs.

-Sex in the city, Seto Kaiba

(Note: We do not support sex without protection. We want all you stupid little fuckers to use condoms so you won't die. Get it? Got it? Good. Bitch. Fucker. Hoe.)

Dear Diary,

E is for EEEdiut. I discovered that in my Special Ed class today. I like how they explain this to me. You know why the rest of the world isn't in Special Ed? Because it's only for smart people with special powers. I mean, just last week I saw Superman taking my Special Ed math. I asked him if he wanted to sniff some of my kryptonite, but he says he's allergic to it, and that he doesn't do drugs. But I'm pretty damn sure he's on steroids. I mean, maybe he should think twice before using a urinal. I mean, who would show their face in public when they had THAT small of a penis. Maybe Superman isn't all that. He must eat a lot of macaroni!

-Special Ed and super powers, Seto Kaiba

Dear Dairy,

I went into the bathroom today to throw up my lunch, when I discovered my long lost twin brother! He was throwing up too, so we must've been brothers! He likes to copy me. That cool kid. Who wouldn't wanna copy me? I have such sexy SKILLZ. Hee's definitely a better brother than Mokuba. I mean, at least this guy is my height, so he doesn't have to fucking reach when we're having sex. And he likes it too! Usually Mokuba will give me all this BS, saying he's gonna call the cops on me, and I'm gonna lose custody of him, and how I'm gonna get sent to hell. But he fails to realize that me and the devil are tight, so he's not gonna do much burning to me. Hey Summer, wanna play me?

-SKILLZ to pay those BILLZ, Seto Kaiba

_This beautifully written chapter is dedicated to the only person man enough to review to our story, Ripper-Roo. We love you Ripper-Roo You stupid mother fucker who needs to pay me my MONEY. _

_Oh, and a special thank you to Josh who has helped create this diaster to humanity, thanks Josh:p_

_And now to the disclaimer; We do not own the following:_

_The lyrics to "Hollaback girl", AIDs, Bill Gates, Michael Jackson, Superman, M&Ms, Microsoft Word, Special Ed(but we should all let you know that the writers of this fic ARE in special ed, so that might explain some things), Santa, the Easter Bunny, Hershey, the devil, Hitler, whitey tidies, or anything else you little assholes find we don't own, cause you know what? We DO own man periods, BITCH!_

_Thank for smoking, have a great fucking day _


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Dear Diary,

Today I went to play on the swing set when I saw an alien. I thought it might've been my drugs but it was REEEL. It was all green and slimy like my pee. He asked me where Mokuba was, but I told him to buy his own little brother. He said he broke. So then he decided to get his ghetto alien friends and jump me. We had a tough battle, and it lasted for almost 30 years. No one would make peace, our rage only seem to grow with every year that passed in the land of the hidden valley of rainbows. I decided to recruit my army with some hippies, but they kept saying all this shit about peace and love and they ended up getting killed when they were high. After many years of blood shed, I finally paid them to stop beating me up, and then to tell everyone in the universe that I had won. They kicked me and called me a pussy.

I'm never going to the park again.

-Alien Ant Farm, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I decided to play with an electrical socket today. I was eating lunch when I looked upon a small electrical outlet. It's beauty fascinated me, and I knew I had to touch it. Mokuba rolled his eyes and told me I would end up in the hospital again, but Mokuba never understands these things. I looked upon it with great wonder, and my fork slowly approached it. My heart was beating fast with excitement. The pointy part of the fork touched the outlet and then I felt a surge of energy go through my body. It felt AMAZING like I was having an organism. I sat there for hours, doing the same thing over and over again. Mokuba had decided not to feed me. Not like I eat anyways.

Stupid asshole. Maybe I'll shove him into the electrical socket next.

-Electrical orgasm, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Yo yo, so I was walkin' down in da hood, like I always do wit my homies when I ran into dis big ol' gangsta named IGOR. He was all like "Yo yo, wazzup cracka?" and I was all like "yo, I ain't no cracka, cracka." And he was all like "dawg, I get my gang on yo wytee azz, we gon GANG BANG you, foo!"

Then I ranaway.

-Too gangster for Igor, Seto Kaiba.

Dear Diary,

Mokuba tried to runaway again. Dammit, I thought the metal bars I put in front of his windows would keep him from doing it, but I guess not. I suppose I'll just have to start chaining him to his room now like I did with Guy the 2nd. Yeah, I had always forgot to let Guy out to eat and shit, so… after a few days, he had another man period like Guy the 1st. I need to get another Guy.

-Guy lover forever, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wish, I wish, I was a fish.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Disney Land. I saw lots of fury little creatures lurking around in the theme park. I thought they were out to get me, so I shot them in self-defense. For some reason all the little children began running around and screaming. The people didn't believe I shot the animals in self-defense, so I asked them if anyone of them was Walt Disney. They both said no, so I said I didn't have to listen to a word they said. I mean, what the hell? They kept arguing with me, saying all this bull shit about them having authority of something like that. But I didn't believe them; I wasn't leaving till I saw Walt Disney himself. Then I got thrown out. Poser Walt Disneys.

When I got home I told Mokuba all about it, and he started crying… but that was probably just because I beat him.

-Dude, where's Walt Disney? Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I was eating when something peculiar happened. Suddenly, I noticed a bit of red ooze on my hand. I realize that red is the color of people's blood, and my heart began to race with fear. Was the AIDs finally catching up to me? Was I shitting out of my mouth? What was I gonna do? I had seen blood before from beating Mokuba and shooting people, but I was pretty sure I was immortal. I began to call for Mokuba in fear, since he's beaten so much, he'd know what to do. He didn't answer though, I think he thought it was nap time again. So I called Isono to call that really long number that gets the ambulance. He said it was 911, but I don't believe him. I paced back in forth. Was I dying? Who would take over Kaiba Corp? Or steal the money for Kaiba Corp? Would I have my money when I am dead? I began to write a long will saying to bury all my money with me, except for 20 dollars. And to put mines in my coffin, so that if anyone tried to jack my money, they would get blown up. I'll make damn sure that I will still be able to take human life even after I'm dead. I dialed 2i7398798hd73847kjhd82919974, but no one answered. I tried again, then some Chinese dude picked up. I tried a 3rd time, then some hooker on the other line was telling me that the number was dialing didn't exist. Damn those hookers. In the end, the ambulance finally came to the rescue, but something even more peculiar happened.

They told me it was ketchup.

-Ketchup boy and Kong fu Butterfly, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wonder what Raisin's doing right now.

-Brothers in arms, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Word finds amaze me. I mean, the whole page is just filled with a bunch of little letters… and you're suppose to find words in these things? I stared at this one page forever! But I couldn't find one single word… pisses me off like woah. I started ripping up all the puzzles and laughing at them, saying how their fathers would be so disappointed in how they failed at life and how their children would be so ashamed of how stupid their little bundles of letters were. Isono believes that my not knowing the alphabet might have something to do with me not being able to find words.

-Wordz make my brain hurt, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I played Operation today. The mother fucking game kept beeping, and his nose kept getting all red whenever I tried getting the wrench out of his leg. It's a very stressful procedure, getting a wrench out of someone's leg. What the hell was that boy eating anyway? And the fact that he was naked the whole time made me really horny, but anytime I touched him, he's go all "BZZZZZZGGGG" on me, and his nose would get all red. I think he was just blushing because he had never been touched by another man before.

-OPERATION! Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wonder if George Bush is richer than me. He must be somewhat rich, I mean, he has a whole army that he can send into random countries and start wars just by snapping his fingers. Well, of course they weren't RANDOM wars, he just starts random wars for oil… or because some leaders tried to shoot his Dad. I tried to shoot his Dad, but you don't see him declaring war against Japan. It must be because of oil then… dammit, I wish Japan had oil. Maybe I should start a random war against America, then maybe one day I'll grow up to be as great and as dumb as Bush I pee in bushes.

-George W. Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today was the day. The day I was going to prove my manhood to Mokuba once and for all. The day I was gonna take down the bees that lived in my tree. Mokuba pointed out that we could just call a bug exterminator. Oh yes, I was well aware of the calling of the exterminator. But my mission was too lofty to give in to such requests. I had to do this myself. Mokuba watched from a distance, betting money with Isono that I would end up hurting myself instead of the bees, but I knew what had to be done. I took the pebbles into my hand and threw them with all my might at the bee hive. Than I ran like hell. I got a lot of bee stings today, I think I'm just gonna call an exterminator.

-Bee a man, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I have given up on dogs. Guy the 20th had just passed away from his man period. I'm sick of dogs and their man periods. I think I'm just gonna go along and get a cat. Cats are way better anyway. They don't bark, they don't need to be walked, and they don't tell you what a mother-fucking moron you are when you take a shit on your neighbor's lawn, and think they won't notice. So I got myself a cat. His name shall be Herbert, and he will train him to be as good as a king as Mufasa was. God, I love the lion king. I just wanna sex those kittens sometimes. Well, I'm off to train Herbert how to take a shit in the toilet.

-MUFASA! Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I have finally figured out what I want to achieve in life. I always thought life was all about sex and money, but I have discovered a real goal. I am going to be the greatest pokemon master EVER. Better than Ash Ketchum and his little midgets combined. I'll kick his little Pikachu's ass. And I will laugh. Very loudly like. It is time to finally give up on trying to beat Yugi and become the champion of Duel Monsters again. It's just not worth it anymore, plus, the monsters in pokemon are way cuter.

Well, I'm off to beat my rival; Fuck face.

-Pokemon Master, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I played Hide and go Seek with Mokuba today. The doctor said that Mokuba wasn't "being raised" right or some bull shit like that, and told me I needed to spend more time with him. So since I was older and have everlasting control over him and his mere child soul, I told him he had to be IT. I made him count to a bazillion twice, while I walked off and went home to go watch TV and be fat. Geez, this spending time thing is great. I wonder if he's finished counting yet.

-Hide and go fucking seek, Seto Kaiba

Disclaimer: We do not own George Bush, Pokemon, Operation, TV, Disney Land, Walt Disney, AIDs, or Kong fu butterflies.

All we own are vaginas and our imaginations to create such disturbing stories Tune in next time for the last and final conclusion of Dear Diary!(I'm crying emo tears as we speak) And god fucking dammit, will you people grow some balls and review to us already?

-kthankxbai.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Dear Diary,

Mokuba discovered the truth about our parents today. I'd been trying to hide it from him, for his own good. I mean, I didn't want him to grow up to be… like them. But, now he knows the truth. Our mother was a crossdresser. And our father was a manwhore. Damn, now Mokuba just sits in his room, crying all day. Crying never mamde anyone rich. So he needs to get the fuck outta there, and sell his body for all it's worth. It runs in the family, you know. Oh, and Kaiba corp… The "games" company… It sells toys. Sex toys. And Duel Monsters are really a metaphor for sex. That's right, my life is a lie. I'm not really doing this for the children. I'm not even doing it for the money. I'm doing it for the sex. For the right of any prostitute or stripper, to go out there and do what they do best. Oh, and the drugs.

The truth is out

Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Mokuba ran away again. It's become a normal occurrence these days, I suppose I just don't beat him enough. But this time he was hiding really well, so I needed some extra help finding him. I smoked A LOT of weed and my money began talking to me. First, it was the 10 dollar bill, the Jefferson Jacob guy. Yeah, he said that if I take a REALLY big shit, that Mokuba would just pop out of my ass and I wouldn't even have to go looking for him. But once I did, MOKUBA NEVER APPEARED. Fucking Jefferson Jacob lied!! So then I talked to the 100 dollar bill, he's worth the most money, and his name is Ben. Ben told me EXACTLY where to find him. I walked into the next room and there he was. I need to get out more.

-Runaway rebel, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I went back to the orphanage where Mokuba and I were adopted today. I have horrible memories of that place. Back when I didn't know about drugs, or sex, or shooting people, or setting your little brother on fire. When all I did was play chess. What, was I mentally retarted or something? Well, at least my chess obsession led to one good thing. I got to go with Gozaburo the drug lord. He taught me all about speed, and caffeine pills… I don't remember why, but I think he wanted me to get smart or something. But, yeah, the drugs were good.

High in the sky, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I got a blimp today. It was fucking amazing because it had the letters "KC" on it, but I still don't understand what it means. Anyways, so this guy named Patrick whom claimed to be Isono and had an obvious fake mustache on asked to fly my blimp. He was clearly not Isono, but somewhere deep inside me knew he couldn't be lying. He was so fucking hot, with all his pimples and the other miracles of puberty. His voice was pretty deep too, I just wanted to melt in his mouth all day. So, yeah, let him fly it. As he was taking it up into the sky, I proposed to him, and asked him to be my wife, now and forever. Of course, I didn't have a ring, so I used a twig. He then promptly fainted, and the blimp crashed. Fuck. I don't know how to fly. People were pretty pissed that my blimp had pretty much destroyed the city, but I just told them the silly Americans did it. Japan just declared war. I want a fish.

-Just another sexy man, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

So the other day I was pretty much at the mercy of some little virtual kid with neon green hair who claimed to be Gozaburo's son. He wore a tight overcoat and short shorts, and I couldn't help but masturbate when I first saw him. You have no idea how excited I was when he first told me he wanted my body. I don't care what he said about getting my company, I knew the real meaning behind it. He obviously wanted my virginity. And boy did I wanna give it to him. So I did. But cyber sex really isn't as great as I thought it would be. And as we had proceeded in having anal sex, Mokuba walked in and was scarred for life again. And at some point in our great big orgasm, Gozaburo joined it. No one really noticed, we were already having a sausage fest. After it was all over and I realized what Gozaburo had done, me and Noah broke up, even though we were never together to begin with. Now I roll with Yami.

-Cyber sex, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

This whole series is fucked up. I'm telling you, how the fuck did Big 5 get zapped into the virtual world just because I fired them? It doesn't make sense. And then in the English version they tried to explain why they could no longer exist in the real world anymore because they're bodies had "gone away" somehow. Maybe they died in the real version… they probably did, those fucking Americans don't know how to translate for shit. Whenever Mokuba says "Fuck!" in the Japanese version, he always ends up saying "Big Brother!" in the English version. It kinda annoys me. Most of all they took out that whole season that was just about the fucked up adventures of Seto and Mokuba where it showed our daily lives on display for all to see. It showed me beating my brother and everything. Even the sex scenes. I guess my sex scenes just aren't good enough for 4kids.

-Fuck! Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Everyone has a bigger penis then me. I don't understand. Isono said it would grow if I gave it love and care, but it never did. Maybe Isono was wrong, and I should be giving it the opposite of love and care. I'll do what I do best; beat it. So this one time I took a stapler gun to my penis, yeah, it didn't end so well. I was having man periods all over the place for a while. Mokuba said I was fucking insane to have stapled my own penis, but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to make his penis grow. And that's exactly what I did. Plus, it wasn't so bad after I finally managed to get the tampon in. Now I don't bleed as much But it's a bitch to have in when I'm having sex, and I always seem to be having an erection 24/7. Oh well, I'm manly.

-The biggest penis, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today Mokuba gave me a "stuffed animal" that appeared to have resembled a dog. It kinda looked like Guy, so I was very satisfied. It was soft like Guy, and it shut up like Guy, but they appear to have forgotten his penis. Oh well, he's still a guy Guy in my heart. But there's one other thing I'm still confused about. Even though he doesn't move or eat like the other Guys, he still doesn't seem to have a man period. Mokuba must have lied to me. He said that it would be just like a real dog, and that if I concentrated hard enough, it would come alive… that could have been the drugs talking, though. So, yeah, I've been concentrating for hours now, and he still won't have his damn period. I wonder what Mokuba's doing right now… I guess I'll never know.

-My best friend Guy, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today I walked into my brother's room and found him masturbating. You would not believe how mad I got. I grabbed that kid by the arm and started flailing him around like a giant monkey and squeezed his nipples till they fell off. I slapped that kid maybe over a 100 times just to get him to realize what a sin masturbating and sexuality was. That if you ever had sex, Satan would pop out of nowhere and jump yo ass(that doesn't include butt sex). And no one wants to get jumped by Satan. EVER. Although I have dealt drugs with Satan before, and he's actually pretty hot. Hell, I'd have kids with Satan if I could. Maybe Satan could help me shit out kids.

Yeah, Satan told me that I was one of his favorites, and that he had a special spot reserved for me at his place. I wonder where that is? I bet he wants to have sex. That's fine with me, so long as he brings the condoms.

-A sucker for Satan, Seto Kaiba

**DISCLALMER MOTHER FUCKER:** _We don't own Kaiba Corp., duel monsters, a bigger penis, satan, masturbation, or cyber sex. But what we DO own is Guy, Patrick, boobs (yeah, you know you want them) anddddddd…an Alphonse head pillow that we sleep with every night. _

Note to all: Hey guys is and here letting all you losers know that the next chapter is the last chapter so all you better start reviewing or I will come in the night and eat your ovaries. Remember kids, stealing is ok as long as you don't get caught;)


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